Articles
by Frances Bernfeld, M.Ed., LMFT
Mental Health Resource Guide,
1999-2000
Divorce is a traumatic period in people’s lives
which can produce considerable turmoil and pain for everyone. It can also
bring relief to troubled families. If the only acceptable option for families
is for the parents to divorce, the undesirable effects can be greatly
reduced if family members can use the experience as an opportunity for
continuing personal growth.
Children are the innocent victims of divorce, but there
is a lot that conscientious parents can do to help. During divorce the
children especially need to be given a strong sense of security and the
knowledge that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents.
Parents can best minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children
by working out their own conflicts in private and resolving whatever anger
and bitterness they may have for each other as quickly as possible. It
is well established that open, unresolved hostility in front of the children
is damaging to them. However, resolution is somewhat complicated and difficult
since most people’s anger and resentment are also a normal and natural
part of adjusting to divorce.
Divorce represents a loss, very much like the loss by
death of a close family member. Parents and children alike experience
grief and a sense of loss when in the midst of divorce. Seasonal events
such as holidays and other special times are typically difficult occasions
when family members are painfully reminded of their losses, either of
fond, happy times or of the broken hopes and dreams for that which will
never come to pass.
Divorcing parents should be realistic in their expectations
for their future as a divorced family just as they should have had realistic
expectation for the marriage in the first place. The family does not end
with the divorce. It seems better to think of the “restructured”
or “reorganized” family. Of course, family life will never
be as it was for the intact family when the parents live apart. There
may be some positive aspects of the family as it was which will be missed.
However, there will be advantages to the new structure as well.
The behavior of the parents towards one another may determine
the children’s adjustment to the divorce. There appear to be five
types of post-divorce relations, according to Constance Ahrons, a nationally
recognized expert in the area of divorce. The names speak for themselves.
Perfect Pals are the spouses who seem to get along so well that everyone
else wonders why they ever got divorced. Cooperative Colleagues are civil
and have a good working relationship but are able to maintain some emotional
distance from each other. Angry Associates appear able to tolerate each
other and can cooperate but not without animosity. Fiery Foes are angry
and hostile. They, like Perfect Pals, are also emotionally wrapped up
in each other, but through so much conflict that they still seem to be
married even long after the divorce took place. Last of all, the Dissolved
Duos do not deal with each other at all, go their separate ways and act
as if the other spouse and the marriage never existed at all.
Just as conflict between the parents can cause problems
for their children, parents can err in their post-divorce adjustments
phase by denying their negative feelings toward each other and being too
good and too friendly. Families seem to do best if parents can allow themselves
to become neutral before working out a more friendly relationship with
each other. Overly friendly divorces can be confusing to everyone, especially
young children who may hang on to hopes and develop false expectations
that their parents may get back together again.
The children can naturally get caught in the middle of
the parents’ conflicts because the parents divorced each other,
not the children. For healthy adjustment, children need their parents
to cooperate without fighting after the divorce. The spousal relationship
ends with divorce but both will be parents as long as they and the children
are alive. There will be major events to observe and to celebrate for
a long time to come, especially if the children are still young. Cooperating
parents in a successful divorce can reach a point in the future when they
can both plan and work together for special occasions. It is sad that
some parents who continue to fight can’t even attend significant
events in their children’s lives if the other parent is going to
be there too. There will be birthdays, graduations, recitals, sporting
events, weddings, the arrival of grandchildren and many other times to
celebrate. These occasions can be a source of pain and conflict even for
adult children of divorced parents if the bitterness cannot be set aside.
It is especially important for parents to be sensitive
when talking to children about divorce. It is best to be honest but at
the same time to use discretion. Children should not be told about a possible
divorce before a definite decision has been made. On the other hand, keeping
them in the dark for too long can damage their trust. Children need to
be protected from having to feel that they should take sides. They also
need to be reassured about the future and that someone will take care
of them. Parents may have a tendency to rely too much on children for
emotional support. It is important to find other adults to talk to such
as friends, relatives, a counselor, minister or support group. Providing
structure, consistency and routine can help children to feel safe and
secure. Above all, children need to feel free of their parents’
conflict.
Marriages may end but divorces go on forever—especially
when there are children involved. Divorce is not an event that simply
happens and is then over. It is an ongoing process that is continuously
unfolding. Divorces can be successful or unsuccessful, depending on how
people adjust and how hard they work to set aside their differences.
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